uitwaaien

If he likes you, he will seek you out. And if he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. You deserve better. Be strong, be patient, and wait.

Is it selfish to want to have someone love me and care about me as much as I know I can do for them? Why is it that I so badly want that relationship with someone again? I really wish that I didn’t jump for whatever attention I can get. Like I know that I should wait for the person who will give me their all, and who is sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, yadayada, but it’s hard. I just need to get it through my big head that that person is out there and I just need to be patient. Patience is key. Patience is hard. How can you like someone so much, but that person isn’t even giving you the attention you deserve. How is that possible? I’m obsessing over a person who doesn’t even text me first. He only cares when it is convenient. The worst part is that I know this, and yet still here I am trying for his attention so badly, and I so badly want to be special to him. I wish I knew how he felt, or I wish I could talk to him about it. But I know what his answer will be. I know that all he wants is friendship. It’s really hard to look at the light at the end of the tunnel when this tunnel is so flipping long. I get these little holes of light that are little punctures to my tunnel, and these punctures are these little moments of attention I get from him. I should really just cover them up because they are not worth letting the light through. I just get more and more punctures because I don’t deal them up. I wish I was better at sealing my feelings up. Why do I wear my heart in my sleeve. I so badly want to know that there still is a light at the end of the tunnel. I need some reassurance haha. I’m tired of walking. It’s a lonely walk.

I so badly want to stop caring.  Well maybe jus a good distraction.

That’s it. I’m seriously asking that question. I need some signs of something that things will get better. I know that they will, but it is hard to have faith that they will when nothing seems to be looking up. Every glimmer of hope that I pull on just ends up falling apart. So much if me wants to give up. Is this where being s fighter and a class half full type of person is a bad thing? Is having hope in every hopeful thread bad? Is it just continually getting my hopes up and shooting me down? Probably. Urgh I wish I could just give up. Like when will I just stop with this!?!?? It’s driving me mad. I feel like I am exactly EXACTLY where I was 4 years ago. It’s ironic how things have come full circle. In my love life, friendships, like wow. I’m utterly amazed.

The definition of friend must have changed bc last time I checked I thought they didn’t completely ditch you as a friend for no reason.

You’re a shirty friend. Always have been, and I just have never really opened my eyes to realize. I find it ironic how you complained so much about being ditched by your other best friend, but yet here you are ditching me. Also, you are a terrible friend because you won’t even face me when I want to fix things. You act like nothing is wrong, and to this day are so fake to me it hurts. I valued your friendship, I was always there for you, and now look at us. It’s sad, and at the same time I’m glad that I have moved on from you.

I’m learning that I can count on no one. I’ve always learned to not get my hopes up. Can’t be let down if there’s no expectation.

I seem to lead this trend in my life where I get left hanging. Whether that be an opened snap with no reply, or mid conversation texts with no reply, and my favorite… Plans to hang out that fall through every fucking time. It’s awesome. I’m tired of it. I ask myself what is so wrong with me that I can’t hold anyone’s interest.

It’s times like these where I am so bored I would do just about anything to be doing something other than nothing that my brain drives me insane. I can say I just don’t care about something, but deep deep down I still do. That’s where my roller coaster of emotions kick in. I’m up and then I’m down. My life is a Katy Perry song from like 4 years ago. I just want things to be better. I want someone to find me cute. I want someone to call mine. I want to show someone how much I can care and give my love to. I just want someone who cares about me and wants to get to know me. I literally have forgotten what it is like to have someone text me first, and to ask me the questions. I have forgotten what it is like to leave someone wanting more because I can’t help but give all I have. I am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. If I like you, I’m not going to hide it. I can’t even if I try. I’m too weak. And I don’t know if I would even call it a weakness, but more just like a strength in disguise. I will give someone my 110% commitment and care. In it afraid to tell you my honest opinion, and I am not afraid to work for something I want. I just sometimes need to learn when to stop.